When one door closes, another one may open; but don’t forget the memories made in that room behind the closed door, as you enter a new space. As I write this, I think about how far I’ve come since the termination of the Payne Fellowship, a program that provided me with a full ride to graduate school, summer internships, and a pathway to becoming a USAID Foreign Service Officer. Just like that, my full ride to graduate school, summer internships and future employment was gone. Although I’m in much better spirits now, it wasn’t always like this.
In August 2023, I officially graduated from the University of Georgia with a B.S. in Health Promotion. As I figured out my next steps, I applied for internships, jobs, and fellowships. The Payne fellowship felt like a long shot, as if it wasn’t suited for me. Eventually, I landed a hospital job, where I grew passionate about public health programming and cross-sector work. Meanwhile, I was awaiting a decision on the prestigious Payne Fellowship.. While I did meaningful work in my job, I knew continuing my education was the goal and told myself, “If I get Payne, I’m going back to school because I can actually afford it.”
Lo and behold, on January 19th, 2024, my life changed. When I received the congratulatory email, I couldn’t believe it and even emailed back asking for confirmation. Explaining what this meant to family and friends was one of my proudest moments. That year, I said goodbye to my full-time job, hello to Washington, D.C. for the summer and started my graduate program at the Rollins School of Public Health back where I grew up. Who knew a four month search could lead to such a blessing like Payne? 2024 was the best year of my life. Little did I know, I’d feel the complete opposite the very next year.
2025 felt like my worst nightmare. In late February, I received devastating news via email: “The Payne Fellowship Program Award has been terminated as of February 26”. My heart shattered, my mind raced, and my body froze. How would I afford my remaining year at Rollins? What would I do for my Applied Practice Experience (APE) without the fellowship placement? How could I tell my parents it was over? It was some of the worst pain I had experienced, yet I was expected to go to class the next day like nothing happened. Lastly, I questioned: how can I create change in public health if my journey is hindered by the very decisions impacting our public health infrastructure?
As I navigated these answers, I was fortunate to have the support of my friends and family. My professors and staff at Rollins were understanding and gave me grace as I finished the semester. I experienced immense hardship in 2025, both regarding Payne and my personal life and though it was traumatic, my resilience brings me here today to write this to you.
I secured additional funding, completed my APE, and ultimately graduated with my MPH. in Epidemiology this past May. Losing Payne was merely a chapter ending; the experiences and lessons learned remain invaluable. I am in better spirits now because I took away three very important things from this.
- Don’t wait to live your life. In the blink of an eye, everything can change, so live a little. Saying “After I graduate, I’ll do this” turned into spontaneous action. Not everything goes as planned and that’s okay! Accept it and go off script. Unscripted moments often become the fondest memories and who doesn’t want to be rich in experience?
- It’s okay to sit with discomfort. This was hard to accept, but I realized the only way forward was to sit with the uncertainty, disappointment, and disdain that came from losing Payne. It felt like staring death in the face, but it was my only path forward because life didn’t stop just because Payne was gone. You owe it to yourself to be resilient, so do what you must to reach your goals.
- The work will always be there, so you should too. We chose public health out of a passion to serve the community. Regardless of terminations, cuts, and losses, people will always need help. Whether conducting research, assessing community needs and health policy, or analyzing data, it all contributes to the betterment of the people. In the face of adversity, we have always driven remarkable change. As long as the public exists, public health will too.
Losing Payne left me with nothing and everything at the same time. It is my reality and I live earnestly in it now. My purpose still stands, my passion still lives on, and I will continue be resilient.
Reader, I leave you with this short poem:
The loss of Payne resulted in lots of pain
but I had a lot to gain, and now I exist free and in full reign.
May you pick yourself up, turn a new leaf, and do the same.